The Loner

Alone. A word I am very familiar with. The coldness and desperation that resonate around it can be felt whenever it is said. But those two are things that I've grown accustomed to, everyday elements of my life.
Growing up I've never had many friends, I was a loner. I grew up as a young boy who craved friendship but never got the satisfaction to acquire it. To me, being alone was normal but it was also hurtful.
I was never popular like the other boys of my age. I never really fit in with the wider circle, I was an outcast, a weirdo.
My dad used to tell me it was paramount that a young boy has to have friends but he didn't know how many times I had toiled to no avail.
When I went to high school, I started making friends. I thought my time of loneliness was finished, I thought I had finally got the magic of being loved. Then, those friendships would expire as soon as they were started.
I was the one who always made the first move in a relationship. The initiator.  I was the one who sought friends and not the friends who sought me. That has been since, my way of starting relationships.

Autophobia is something common when you're the one who starts a relationship. The fear of being alone, the fear of being left behind by someone you had began to trust. But all that doubt, all that fear, that never stops the worst from happening. Eventually you are ghosted, abandoned and discarded.
I made friends, lost them and made others and in turn list them too. When something like that keeps happening to you, you start to think that the problem isn't them, maybe it's you. Maybe you're not an exciting person, maybe you're dull and not worthy of a true and concrete relationship. Your self esteem is lowered to rock bottom. You don't see any worth in yourself.
Maybe it's better if you're alone.